Paper Bag Speed Dating

Paper Bag Speed Dating

I have very important news for all of my single friends out there. Paper-bag speed dating is a thing, and I could NOT be more excited. 

I can now determine my interest in a person solely by their hand gestures, body shape, and amount of forearm hair. Forget the centuries-old “I find you attractive” nonsense. Just look what that old-school thinking has wrought: beard/mustache revivals, shoulder pads, Zubaz, butt implants. In other words, complete societal decay. Something has to change, and I for one, am ready to pioneer that revolution. 

Thanks to a friend who recently told me that my brows would look better and fuller if I dyed them, I am now, and forevermore will be, self-conscious about my eyebrows.

Paper-bag speed dating is JUST the thing for me.

No more awkward side glances at my meager brows, which, apparently, have looked like synchronized Hitler mustaches for the past 45 years.  The 2017 event date is still listed as TBD, so I have had time to carefully consider my bag-head. I am very pleased with my final draft. It sends out the exact vibe I’m going for: “I’m low-maintenance but don’t expect me to slum it at McDonald’s.” I am ready to meet my soul mate. 

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